Dedicated to Ria and Anaya and Harman.
Our reality is what Zee TV characters watch on their screens. We come from a place of unprecedented privilege. My existence on this Earth, my life growing up in America, the opportunities I’ve gotten, the reason I’m able to write this right now, I owe all to my parents, grandparents and ancestors. Through my lineage, every successive generation back in time had to work 100x harder than the last. My parents came to this country with virtually no footing and hustled their way into success over the course of decades. My grandparents came from villages where my grandfathers were the only kids who were given opportunities to leave to bigger cities. Their parents went through Partition. Their parents went through colonization. And so on and so forth.
Harvey (Titu) Uncle was my dad’s best friend. They had a bond that spanned several decades. They started a company together upon coming to America. They both went through divorce, remarriage and having children side-by-side. They spent so much time together throughout their lives — from buying houses in the same city to stay close to one another to carpooling to the office to going to Indian parties and on vacations, they seemed to do everything together.
Witnessing this bond throughout my childhood and early adulthood was so formative for my conception of friendship and how important it is to keep and maintain connections with others. Though all their work talk and rapid-fire Punjabi often went over my childhood head, between the lines I could glean that they genuinely trusted, confided in and adored each other endlessly. And that meant so much to me as an only child (at the time). I saw how much happiness it gave my dad and have tried to emulate that since. Just ask any of my friends :)
Their relationship went far beyond words of affirmation, though. They did everything for each other and for us without question. They picked each others’ kids up from school and spoiled us to oblivion. From getting us Lego sets to taking us on GameStop trips to getting us whatever food and ice cream we wanted, they did anything to make us happy.
Parallel to that, my dad would tell me stories about how him and his parents and sister and visiting family members would all cram into one studio apartment back in India. How they didn’t have money to feed themselves when business was slow but still made sure their truck drivers got paid and fed. My Dadi told me about how she left school to raise her sisters when her mom died early on in her childhood. My mamu in Baroda still stops by my Nani’s house every day to this day, despite her relentless preference to live alone at such an old age. These threads of selflessness and service to others have underlied my life as far as I can remember.
My dad and Titu Uncle did so much for the kids and always went the extra mile because of this rugged generational characteristic but also because they wanted to give us what they never had. My mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents, extended family and friends all went to the same college. I went back and visited the campus in 2018 to see dilapidated buildings, outdated facilities and the like, but amid all of that I saw bright, hopeful students who just didn’t care about any of that. They were happy for the opportunity to make something of their circumstances.
My dad and uncle, having had done so and making it to America, made sure I enjoyed the fruits of their painstaking labor. As their parents did with them. I was so lucky to go to college here, and only after I arrived in India and was able to compare my circumstances to my parents’ was I able to understand why my parents put so much into my education. They wanted me to thrive and prosper in ways they couldn’t. The opportunities they had to carve out for themselves were right there for my taking. I’m so glad I took them.
Back in India, my dad failed Hindi in 12th grade and almost swore off school altogether. My Dadaji called his bluff and feigned support, letting him go work in the trucking business to see how he liked it. My dad hated it and immediately reapplied himself to make it through college (where he met my mom!) and to business school in Maharashtra. The importance of education for Desi families is tantamount to everything — without hesitation, his parents sent him away and let him flourish. Of course, they came from a place of privilege at this point to be able to do so. But this didn’t come without my Dadaji working a day job with a side hustle while pursuing two degrees and raising a family. This work ethic is something I could never reach, no matter how hard I aspire or apply myself. 10X self-improvement bullshit is nothing compared to the toil of necessity and survival.
But why does this sob story matter? It’s a reflection of the collective effort it has taken for me to be able to sit here and write this right now. I am so endlessly thankful to my culture and my family and family friends for raising me into the person I am today. For imbuing those values into me — of chasing happiness, success, stability and growth. Expectation isn’t always or entirely a bad thing. Sometimes it’s the push you need to go far in life. I’m so lucky for being given that push from early childhood. To have had the full support and belief of my parents and a wide network of people committed to my wellbeing.
Titu Uncle was a prime example of that. In my adulthood, especially in my college years, he would visit me at school or meet me at home, buy me dinner, and provide me a space to talk about my life and my feelings without the barrier of a parental specter over my shoulder. I cherished those times so much because I could feel the care, the love, the unconditional support from someone who was technically just my dad’s best friend but to me will always be family. He had so much going on between marriage, kids, work and other responsibilities, but still made that time for me, no matter how inconvenient it might have been for him. He even asked me what I wanted for a birthday gift as recent as 2022. He saw me for who I was as an adult but still treated me with so much love and care as if I was his child. And I was. In our culture, with bonds this strong, there is no differentiation regardless of blood relation. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the collective efforts of people like Titu Uncle in my life have invariably shaped me into the man I am today.
Thank you, Uncle, for everything you’ve done for me. I hope I was able to make you proud in the time you were here and that I can continue to do so as you watch from above. I hope to take all your lessons to heart, whether it was Ayurvedic food sequencing, spiritual mind-body connections, or just chasing happiness and knowing how to have a good time. I hope to give my future kids and friends’ kids the same childhood that you provided me. We have to advance ourselves and our bloodline and our culture every generation, and your presence in my life will never let me forget that. I love you. Rest in peace <3
this is from 2017 ok i know i look like a shrimp in this !